Jjovina.Who's saying what 
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Sunday, September 5, 2010
By Jjovina The person who tells every one that he will be there for them. The person who i thought gave in everything for us. But after i read about the others, i thought that you are self-centered. Maybe you need not care, maybe my expectations should not be high, but in the same position, why wont you care more? Why did you not pay more attention? Why do you always make your words so cheap? Why did you selectively chose people to care for? If you had tried to be more concerned, perhaps i would not have left. Perhaps i would still be in that team, happily being part of them. But i think you did not want me to be in, you ignored me, for no good reason. You ignored me when i injured my leg, you ignored me when i fell flat on the ground, and my blood was oozing out like nobody's business. You said that it is common for me to fall every time, but does it mean that every time i fall, it does not hurt? Does it mean that every time i fall, there will not be a wound? Every time i fall, i will not have outgrown a exaggerated scar? If you had tried to be more concerned, probably those ugly scars would not be here. Or maybe next time if you want to say something, think twice, and mean it. Or maybe next time if you do not mean something, do not say it out for the sake of saying. I was young, i believed in your words, but every time i was left to sit outside, watching the play-on. Continue waiting for you to come over and help me. But every time you will forget, just walking off without saying a word. I used to think that it slipped off your mind, i was young and ignorant. Just because of this, it inflicted so many scars. If you had been more meticulous, you might have came and talked to me. If you had thought of the big picture, you will come and persuade me. But your choice was to stay out of this matter. Do you know how hard it was to face you without talking about it? Have you ever considered how terrible i felt? But i was afraid to talk to you about it, cause i believe you have not noticed me. Right from the beginning, you focused on the others. Why? Just because of my physical appearance? Or did i just simply lack what you look for? I think you have failed in this aspect, you failed to have a overview of everyone. It had never occurred to you that someone who hopes that you will pay attention to her performance will look forward to your scoldings or compliment of her performance. But you never did. Remembering that you promised to back her up, you just simply forgot. Waiting for you to fulfill this promise, she tried and tried, harder each time. But she was never recognized. She was always an extra, she was never mentioned. She was non-existent. She was... then never passionate about this anymore. She was tired of wanting to be into this team, was deprived the chance of. She was fat and slow, she was ostracized, she was a nobody. Had anyone see the effort put in by her? Have anyone thought that she wanted to play as well as others? Have anyone thought that sprinting as fast as the others was tedious? Have anyone thought that doing physical was her worst nightmare? Cause she was different. She was 2 times their size. 2 times their weight. They only viewed her as lazy, slow and clumsy. They had never thought in her shoes. She was left alone to struggle to fight for a place. She never succeed. She never did. Maybe she could, if she was encouraged. But, is being ignored and see as non-existent forms of encouragement? Cause the culture of the team was that only the best players are given a chance, tall ones stand a chance too. Fast sprinters will be considered. The fat, short one... Is always outside. Yes, she was always outside. Cause the mighty person had once chided her for her poor attitude. Being unsupportive of her own team mates. Then, she tried very hard... To support them. But inside her, there are complicated feelings in her. Its hard to understand it unless you have felt it before. Its like wanting to have something. And watching other people have the thing that you wanted. Its a complex feelings. But humans are like that, we have emotions that would be triggered by every little thing. You cannot just judge me just because of this incident. But, you did. Probably the root started with you. I was soon compelled to leave. Not physically.. But mentally. Totally drained, where all i felt about this , was simply rejection. You have never thought that how this incident had affected me. It will never cross your mind that every time i think of it, i will start to cry. It will never cross your mind that the fact that i left, will minimize my social circle. Friends soon began to distant from me... You never thought that how lonely i will be after i leave. You have never mention anything about me anymore. What i want to hear is that you can recognize the effort that i once put in. But i will never hear it, never. Again, i am left to make my choice. The choice that bothered me for so many nights. Whatever the choice is, i have consequence to face. So i made my choice finally, i could not bring myself to stay for a minute more. Cause its mental torture. Maybe all of you cannot see it, but being the person, i feel immensely pressurized. I felt terrible. Luckily i still have someone to talk to about it, thanks babe :) |
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